Thinking about Suicide?
Thinking about Suicide? Then I implore you, please don’t do it. Here’s why.
My husband committed suicided nearly three years ago, much for the same reasons that you’re probably thinking about it right now. Things got hard. He was not well. His depression got the better of him. He thought it was the easy way out, the best thing to do, that life would be better for us if he wasn’t here.
Here is the reality.
My three children were devastasted beyond repair. They are forever changed human beings.
My eldest daughter has developed anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. She has constant nightmares that I too, will leave her by choice.
My middle daughter has anger management issues because she cannot deal with her complex emotions.
My youngest son would not speak for six weeks and it has taken me two years to get him to talk freely to a man because of his lack of trust.
That’s just the first round.
In a few years time they will feel the impact again as they realise what suicide really is. It’s not just death. It’s chosen death. He chose to leave them. And as they realise this they will deal with abadonment issues, fear of loss, trust.
Then in a few more years they will truly grieve and get angry again. They will have their own children and the incredible truth will hit them that their father chose to leave them.
My husband’s friends still cannot talk to me. They do not know what to say. They are polite but afraid to speak his name. They are afraid to remember the good times, because the end was so horrific and tragic, to mention his name brings back the memory of the death, the suicide.
His work colleagues have struggled to replace him. No-one had his knowledge and they still quick dial him to ask him a quick question only to realise that he is no longer - alive. That he ended his own life. That he left a wife and three children and how could he do that, and why didn’t they see it coming, why didn’t they do something?
New friends are nice to me until they find out that my husband suicided then they clam up, a thick awkwardness enters the relationship and soon they are gone, unable to cope, not knowing what to say, they don’t know what to do for me. Little do they know that all they needed to be was my friend. They don’t have to heal me, because I am beyond healing. This will never truly heal.
So if you’re still thinking about it, because you don’t know how to get out of your situation, because the pain of living feels like it can be overcome with the pain of death - think again. Because the pain of your death will echo for generations and to countless hundreds of people, many of whom you have not met yet.
How do I know this, apart from having my husband suicide? My mother suicided when I was eight and trying to explain that to my children has been near impossible. I know what they will face in the years to come because I have faced it.
To borrow a line from Midnight Oil, but with my own spin, It’s better to live on your knees, than die on your feet.
Still thinking about suicide? Then please get help to talk about it. Take action to live.