How Can You Trust In Relationships After Separation?
” ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have lov’d at all” so Tennyson tells us.
But there are many now who would disagree with him. Time after time we hear of those who’ve loved and then endured the pain of separation. This appears to scar some people for life.
The question is not only can you love after separation, but how can you ever trust in relationships again after separation?
First, let’s dispel the notion that it’s easier for the person who leaves to pick up the threads of a new life - especially a new love life. Both of you will have had your trust in relationships shaken. Unless that person is psychologically unbalanced, (which does, of course, happen), separation from a loving partner is not something that most men or women undertake lightly - even in our “throwaway” society.
Separation from someone you love - however caused, and whoever is the leaver and the left - is always painful. The types of pain may differ, that’s all. For example, the person who leaves may suffer guilt, anxiety, massive self doubt and recrimination, not to mention regret and grief.
The person who has been left of course will feel grief too, plus also self doubt, low self esteem, anger - even rage, and perhaps jealousy, especially if there’s another party involved in the break up.
So you both hurt, let’s make no bones about it.
Here are my tips for learning to trust in relationships again:
* First, let yourself grieve. It’s not going to be forever - nothing is. But you need to let it happen. Get counselling if you need to, but weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth are going to be there for the first few weeks probably.
Maybe six months or so later you’ll still get the odd wave of it. The point is, don’t fight it. That just makes it worse because you focus on it more. If you allow it to play itself out, the effect will eventually be like the sun coming out after a storm.
* Second. After a major separation from a love affair, treat yourself to non-cerebral things. By that I mean you can’t heal the pain of separation and loss by thinking about it. A shiatsu massage, on the other hand, can make you feel wonderful - even if the effect only lasts for a few hours. (By the way, this is as much for the men as for the ladies - we all need to feel good! The answer - again for either gender - is most definitely not in getting “wasted” every night with drink! That makes you feel stupid and ill!)
* Avoid vengeance on yourself. It’s very tempting to go off looking for love substitutes following a separation. This can take the form of promiscuity, alcohol or drug abuse, or some other form of self harm. This is misplaced and displaced anger. Anger is part of loss, grief and heartbreak, but beat up a pillow, talk to a therapist - or if you can’t find one or afford one - phone the Samaritans! You don’t have to be on the verge of suicide to talk to them - and they really will help.
* Avoid taking out vengeance on your ex. This will again make you feel bad and, depending on how you do it, could even land you in court or jail. Actually, you won’t hurt the other person as much as you think if at all - you’ll only make yourself look and feel stupid. It’s your anger, so it’s your problem. The antidote is to reach for the next most comforting thought, which may not be the most noble at this stage, but could be something as simple as, “I won’t always feel like this.” Or, (a good one), “Actually, it’s her/his loss. I’m a wonderful person.” Then have a good gloat!
* Finally, the place to look for love after separation is within yourself. You can’t regain happiness by trying to take the other person’s life apart. Their not being with you anymore is your signal for a fresh beginning and a pause in your life to re-evaluate what you really want for your love life - maybe for the next five or ten years, (or weeks or months!), or perhaps forever.
Learn to love yourself again. Look for the good in you, not the bad in the other. Acknowledge it, accept it, and soon you’ll love it - that’s you - again.
And that’s the beginning of restoring your trust in relationships, love and life!
Trevor Emdon
http://www.articlesbase.com/advice-articles/how-can-you-trust-in-relationships-after-separation-445366.html
October 6th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
After a separation/divorce is the best time to find friendship/relationship?
I am also coming out of verbal/emotional abuse relationship. I would like to know how much time do I give myself to trust in another relationship? Going to counseling but I feel really lonely at times. I have a 15 year old daughter that still lives with her father and visit me during parts of the year we have joint custody but the physical is with him. I feel like I have been screwed over how do I get through this?
October 6th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
You can try developing a friendship with somebody now, there’s no time limit. You know your heart better than anyone else does, you’ll know when you’re ready.
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October 6th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
If you are spending a lot of time thinking about how you HAVE BEEN screwed and how lonely you are then you are definitely not ready.
When you start acting in the present and looking forward to building a great new life THEN you will be ready.
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October 6th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Going through therapy should help you. Let your councilor know how you feel and see if he/she can help you out. Getting away from the verbal/emotional abuse was a huge step and you are headed in the right direction. Keep up the good work and keep your councilor informed.
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October 6th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Only you can know when to trust again. It is normal for you to be over protective of yourself. You actually need time to trust someone again, especially a man. But you also need to understand that what one man did, doesn´t mean another will do, unless you permit it. You´ve learned what you don´t want in another man again, whether it´ll be a friend or a lover. You know what you don´t want, what is not allowed, what is not proper, what is not good for you. Knowing that, you´ll only look for men that have good qualities and a good heart. I know this is easier said than done, but as you start meeting men again you´ll start to differenciate them from your ex, and you´ll realize, my god, there are good men out here!
But if your life and heart have been in pain for a while, let it cool down and give yourself some time for yourself, treat yourself and try enjoying your freedom and space. Before you know it, you´ll feel in a safer place to meet people again.
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October 6th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
the best thing you can do at the moment is to continue with the counselling.. until you feel and your counsellor are in agreement that you dont need any more counselling.
a minimum of 12 months before you even consider another relationship with any one else.. you dont want to be dropping all your baggage onto the guy in a new relationship..
it will take time to work thru the issues that are before you.. and at this point in time if you get hurt from a new relationship that will only send you down hill even more..
the best thing you can do know is to concentrate on building up your relationship with your daughter.. and get that established.. cos it wont be long if not already that she will be looking for the right guy and your invaluable informations will help her avoid getting into an abusive relationship.
there are going to be times where you will feel lonely and screwed over.. but its better in some way than being in a relationship where the abuse is in front of you and having to face it every day…
work on your friends and build a better relationship with them and your daughter so that it can help you build up confidence in building up trust for when you meet somoeone for a new relationship…
all the best
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October 6th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
You’ll know it’s time when you begin to learn from the counseling how to learn to be happy single. "Coming out of" a relationship is a rotten time to get into another. A new relationship isn’t going to make you feel less screwed over. It takes time.
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October 6th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
try to make friends, hang out with ur girls for night out and enjoy..and sometimes u may find some male friends and then start talking and start hanging out…time will come…i came out of 5 yrs engaged relationship and it took me 6 months to finally start being myself and enjoy single dating, i never tho i could do it, but i made it and loved it! So you will too….dont worry or think about it, just focus urself and hang out with ur girls friends….time will come for you…its ok to cry sometime.
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