Can You Love After Separation?
” ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have lov’d at all” so Tennyson tells us.
But there are many now who would disagree with him. Time after time we hear of those who’ve loved and then endured the pain of separation. This appears to scar some people for life.
The question is not only can you love after separation, but how can you love after separation?
First, let’s dispel the notion that it’s easier for the person who leaves to pick up the threads of a new life - especially a new love life. Unless that person is psychologically unbalanced, (which does, of course, happen), separation from a loving partner is not something that most men or women undertake lightly - even in our “throwaway” society.
Separation from someone you love - however caused, and whoever is the leaver and the left - is always painful. The types of pain may differ, that’s all. For example, the person who leaves may suffer guilt, anxiety, massive self doubt and recrimination, not to mention regret and grief.
The person who has been left of course will feel grief too, plus also self doubt, low self esteem, anger - even rage, and perhaps jealousy, especially if there’s another party involved in the break up.
So you both hurt, let’s make no bones about it.
Here are my tips for rebuilding your love life after separation:
* First, let yourself grieve. It’s not going to be forever - nothing is. But you need to let it happen. Get counselling if you need to, but weeping wailing and gnashing of teeth are going to be there for the first few weeks probably. Maybe six months or so later you’ll still get the odd wave of it. The point is, don’t fight it. That just makes it worse because you focus on it more. If you allow it to play itself out, the effect will eventually be like the sun coming out after a storm.
* Second. After a major separation from a love affair, treat yourself to non-cerebral things. By that I mean you can’t heal the pain of separation and loss by thinking about it. A shiatsu massage, on the other hand, can make you feel wonderful - even if the effect only lasts for a few hours. (By the way, this is as much for the men as for the ladies - we all need to feel good! The answer - again for either gender - is most definitely not in getting wasted every night with drink! That makes you feel stupid and ill!)
* Avoid vengeance on yourself. It’s very tempting to go off looking for love substitutes following a separation. This can take the form of promiscuity, alcohol or drug abuse, or some other form of self harm. This is misplaced and displaced anger. Anger is part of loss, grief and heartbreak, but beat up a pillow, talk to a therapist - or if you can’t find one or afford one - phone the Samaritans! You don’t have to be on the verge of suicide to talk to them - and they really will help.
* Avoid taking out vengeance on your ex. This will again make you feel bad and, depending on how you do it, could even land you in court or jail. Actually, you won’t hurt the other person as much as you think if at all - you’ll only make yourself look and feel stupid. It’s your anger, so it’s your problem. The antidote is to reach for the next most comforting thought, which may not be the most noble at this stage, but could be something as simple as, “I won’t always feel like this.” Or, (a good one), “Actually, it’s her/his loss. I’m a wonderful person.” Then have a good gloat!
* Finally, the place to look for love after separation is within yourself. You can’t regain happiness by trying to take the other person’s life apart. Their not being with you anymore is your signal for a fresh beginning and a pause in your life to re-evaluate what you really want for your love life - maybe for the next five or ten years, (or weeks or months!), or perhaps forever.
Learn to love yourself again. Look for the good in you, not the bad in the other. Acknowledge it, accept it, and soon you’ll love it - that’s you - again.
And that’s the beginning of love after separation!
Trevor Emdon
http://www.articlesbase.com/motivational-articles/can-you-love-after-separation-234058.html
October 6th, 2009 at 7:57 am
would you say that love and relationship is stronger when you come back after a separation ?
Sometimes I notice case where when people come back together after a separation that love is stronger than before and so the relationship ..What do you think of that ..? wouldn’t you say it’s true for those who have experienced that ?
October 6th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
no
never
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I don’t think it is true. It creates a false sense of happiness for a brief time.
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
No -your just going through the motions so you don’t have to be alone.
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I can’t say that it is for everyone, but in my case. I was divorced from my first husband for 10 years and we got back together. Now 4 years later our relationship is still amazing. Our love is stronger and maybe it’s because we grew up a little while we were apart and now know what we want in our relationship.
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
believe in the best
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
It’s either: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"… or..".Absence makes the heart go wonder." Depends on the relationship.
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I would say it is true because there is always a reason for getting back together. Both learn their lessons from the mistakes and pay more attention to each other’s feelings which makes the relationship stronger. So yes, it is true as far as I am concerned
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I have never known a case where a separation improved a marriage. Usually, the opposite is true and they grow further apart. It’s like having a marriage that’s bad already, and then adding in all the stresses of a long-distance relationship.
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Sometimes, think positive and if it is meant to be it will.
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
If the problems that caused the separation are not resolved, then it is only a temporary emotional burst. The problems will return, the stagnation will return, and that will be the end of that. If the problems ARE resolved, then it is definitely true, but there are MUCH better ways to achieve the same thing. It was not the separation, but rather the resolution of the problems that caused the stronger relationship. Relationships take work in order to keep the spark alive. Separation is the symptom of a bad relationship, whether the problems get resolved or not.
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
i disagree
i think there was something broken and it is not easy (may be impossible ) to recover
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
I think a separation can be a good thing for a couple to "iron" out some differences, and concentrate on what caused the separation in the first place. Sometimes, we go so fast in our lives, and are so mechanical, that we lose sight of where we were supposed to be going in the first place. A separation, or break, gives us a chance to re-group, and re-focus….to start over…and head in the right direction.
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
It can be good and it may not be good, but yes most people come to realize what they had together and IF there is love from the man and repect from the wife things will work out but if that is lacking there is no hope. I would suggest reading LOVE AND RESPECT by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It puts things in a nutshell! All the people I have know to read this book have had successful marriages since, better thanever before.
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
No not for everyone who has been seperated. Sometimes they get back together only to split apart permanently.
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
YES l would say that there is certainly a lot more loving and caring for each other when you first get back together but after a while unfortunately it tends to wear off again a little. It depends on the circumstances of the separation of course. I hope the strength of the relationship just keeps getting stronger and stronger. I guess we all live in hope of that !! Happy New Year.
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Been there and still doing that !!
October 6th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Well you would think it should be, because you should have learned from your mistakes, but that is not always the case.
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Maybe, who knows what is right for which couple. Some people may need time apart to realise what they had.
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
before that happens both parties have to change, admit wrongs, and hurts, grow up, and really want to be together. they have to be willing to forgive, and move past what broke them up in the first place. personally i never experienced it, going back with someone just caused me pain all over again, and the problems that were there before were still there, and the second breakup was much worse and more painful than the first. but i suppose it can happen for some people, if they come back together for the right reasons, other than loneliness.
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
I think it depends on the the relationship in the first place and how long things have been bad before the separation. I separated from my husband after 10 years….the last 3 I was very unhappy but couldn’t work up the courage to leave until I just couldn’t take it anymore. We were separated for a year….got back together because he supposedly had changed, we got along better etc… But it wasn’t long before things went back to normal. We separated again and I’ve never been happier. I think in a lot of cases like mine…the people involved change in the beginning just to get you back and then when they are comfortable again bad habits come back and things go downhill!!! That has been my experience anyway!
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
it depends on the people. in my situation we were married for 4 years, he walked out on me saying he needed time apart, but he still loved me. I said yeah right. Well 8 months later he came crawling back and we have been together for 15 years now and yes I believe our love is stronger. we would not be together now if we hadn’t separated for those 8 months. he grew up so to speak and found out that the grass was not greener on the other side. i know in my heart and sould that he will never walk out again no matter how bad things get!!!!!
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
My wife and I divorced recently and have been growing closer each week.She coming over to get naked and watch movies Sat nite.Go figure
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I would say it’s absolutely true, in my case. Can’t speak for everyone else, but being seperated forces you to admit there’s a problem with the relationship and if you both want to be together, you work on it…
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October 6th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
People only get back together after a separation because they realise that they cannot live without each other. And when that happens, they will tend to cherish the relationship more.
I wish me and my ex would reconcile too. Even if its 10 years down the road.
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