How to Deal with Murder Grief
Murder grief may be somewhat less difficult to deal with than suicide grief, simply because the answer to “why” always points to a third party rather than the deceased individual. Otherwise, the difference is akin to being hit in the head with a 5 pound sledge as opposed to a 10 pound sledge. Either of these will cause a lot of damage. The question of “why”, in this case, leads us to try and understand the killer’s motivation which rarely delivers a satisfactory answer. Â
Murder has its own attendant shock response when we first hear about it. The event is sudden, unexpected and horrifying. What only happens on television has now struck home for family survivors. It all seems surreal. In the early stages the news seems unbelievable. How could it happen that someone we love has been killed by another person? For these and other reasons, murder grief presents its own level of difficulties to be overcome. Â
Like a car accident resulting in death, the reality of murder delivers a powerful blow to surviving loved ones. It knocks us to our knees and leaves us baffled. Who would do such a thing to someone we love? It seems so alien to us that the reality takes some time to settle in. I dealt with several cases of murder in my 25 year career as a therapist. Each of these incidents presented a level of difficulty that no other grief experience could match.  Â
My first case involved a man in his late thirties who came to see me accompanied by his second wife. His first wife, whom he had divorced, and their 2 children, had been murdered by her second husband. The children, a boy and a girl, were 8 and 10 years old at the time. It took a few years of working with this man to finally bring him to a satisfactory level of acceptance and peace. Â
The second case I encountered involved a woman in her forties whose second husband had been shot to death by a neighbour. In addition to dealing with the murder, she had also learned that her deceased husband had been making advances to the neighbour’s wife. This proved to be a double blow for her. Not only did she have to deal with her husband’s sudden death, but also with the reality that he had probably been unfaithful. Â
The third case I want to mention had a more personal relevance to me and my extended family. A first cousin, aged 22 at the time, had been stabbed to death on a local beach. Her assailant had struck while she was sunbathing and likely asleep. At the time of this incident, this perpetrator was out on bail for some other act of violence. This event shook our whole family, especially my aunt and her daughters who were directly impacted. We were all thrust into the reality that a family member had actually been murdered for no reason at all, except being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Â
Losing a loved one to murder is horrific. Accidental death of any kind is much easier to take. The problem with murder is that someone else made the decision to take an innocent life. In our family’s case it was a completely random act. The perpetrator was not known to the victim, or vice versa, something he readily admitted during the trial.  The shock of losing someone to murder takes hold immediately and leaves family members totally bewildered.Â
The question of “why” comes up of course, but is directed at the killer rather than the victim, which is the case in suicide. People hope that by understanding the killer’s motivation, they can make sense of their loved one’s demise. That rarely if ever happens and here’s an example. Â
In case #1 mentioned earlier, the father of those 2 children actually visited the killer in prison in the hopes of getting answers to that very question. He thought a face to face meeting would bring him some closure. Sadly, he came away from the encounter just as confused as ever. Talking to the killer only confirmed what the psychiatry report and my own assessment had already concluded. The killer was a mentally disturbed individual who had descended into paranoia and delusional thinking upon hearing that his wife wanted to leave him. He snapped and became a family annihilator. Â
There is rarely any satisfaction derived from such meetings. The motives that drive people to murder are simply not understandable to the average person who would never consider such an action. As soon as this is realized and accepted, survivors can move out of shock and into the process of murder grief The same holds true for revenge fantasies and the pursuit of justice and punishment. Although some satisfaction will be derived from a guilty verdict, the need to take care of one’s grieving process remains the same. When all is said and done we victims still have to engage in grief recovery. Â
Maurice Turmel PhD
http://www.articlesbase.com/self-help-articles/how-to-deal-with-murder-grief-846039.html
October 4th, 2009 at 2:51 am
How do you deal with grief of a family member who has been brutally murdered?
If it had been a car accident or something like that , I think I could understand and deal with it easier, but I don’t know how to deal with this kind of shock.
October 4th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Basically just be with the person but you don’t want to be so pushy. Sometimes they want to be alone. It’s always good to be there for support as a friend and a shoulder to cry on.
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October 4th, 2009 at 7:55 am
The best thing here is a support group. This doesn’t just work itself out, you have to give it time and lots of support.
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October 4th, 2009 at 7:57 am
I am so sorry that you had to deal with that. That is something that NO ONE should have to go through. I never have, but as with any traumatic situation, it REALLY helps to talk. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with talking to a therapist about this. They can help you deal with everything from greif, guilt, pain, anger, everything that is associated with such an traumatic experience.
Also, writing down your feelings really helps. It makes you think and feel things that you otherwise would have pushed aside. It really brings out your TRUE feelings. Maybe writing letters TO the person you lost will help as well. With most deaths, there is some sort of guilt associated, for whatever reason. Anything from fighing with them the last time you saw them or not telling you loved them, these are so hard to deal with after the fact, but are in reality just facts of life. It helps to get these feelings recognized and that will help you de-stress, as well.
I wish you the best in the future, and again, I am sorry for your loss.
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October 4th, 2009 at 7:59 am
You could not understand even if it were a car accident. Death of a loved one is terrible. I lost my dad a couple months ago.. I think I will grieve forever, no matter how he died. I am learning though that there is no easy way to grieve. I think we just have to learn to live with the sadness because it will never go away. When you lose someone you love very much, it will never go away. My dad suffered terribly, and ya know what? Even if he would have died peacefully in his sleep, it would not have made a bit of difference to me. Well, I guess I really cannot answer this question because I am still trying to deal with my grief as well.. sorry
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October 4th, 2009 at 8:01 am
This has got to be one of the toughest things anyone can experience. I imagine that the anger at the evil impulses that caused another person to take your family member from you - to cause your relative such suffering — that anger must be overwhelming.
If you knew the murderer, and they were a trusted person, that you also feel betrayed.
You must deal with this anger. Don’t stuff it under pious forgiveness that comes too early — be angry as long and as hard as you need to be in order to work it out of your system. Go to the gym and punch the bags — do something physical to work it out of your heart and mind. It will be exhausting… but it is the first step.
After that, you will be sad. Sadness is overcome by doing things that help you heal your heart — ceremonies, telling stories, gestures of kindness to other people (maybe somebody that your loved one once cared for — or caring for their pet)
For about two years, every holiday, birthday, favorite tradition (did you go to the blessing of the bikes together) will remind you that they are gone, and you will feel all of the grief again… make sure you are surrounded by people who can help you through these difficult days.
If you feel yourself on a lonely spiral and feeling like you can’t go on, get help… you may need some treatment.
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October 4th, 2009 at 8:03 am
I’m so sorry for your loss.It would be easier if I knew more about you,but I will try to help.Quite a few years ago some little children were brutally murdered in our neighborhood.I prayed and cried for days,then I read what heaven is in a book and the Bible.All tears will be wiped away,there will be no more suffering,no more grieving and all the bad memories will be no more.If your loved one is in heaven then they will only know the glory and happiness there and won’t have carried all the bad stuff with them.I know it must seem like a nightmare to you.and I’m so sorry sweety,but I hope you can get some kind of comfort from this.
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October 4th, 2009 at 8:05 am
I’m so sorry. Let me tell you that everyone grieves in his or her own way. There’s no set time, or way to go about it. Right off I’d like to know if you have Hospice Volunteers in your area? They are excellant, I’ve taken the training. They are there even after the death of your loved one. I highly suggest that you call them. I also suggest that you cry. Cry. Yell. Scream. Lie down with a piece of clothing or stuffed animal of your loved one’s; hold it and cry. Hopefully the police have caught the suspect- that can be extra hard when you know he’s out there. And like I said about grieving- don’t let ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!! tell you that you need to pull yourself together, or you need to get on with your life. That’s all wrong. You are the one who has to heal. It does get a little easier with time, but yours was a great loss, so it may take longer. And- please know that this family member is with you. They are right there with you. You may smell their cologne, or feel them sit on the edge of your bed. Sylvia Browne says that Heaven is only 3 ft. away from us, and 3 ft. above. I’ll keep you in my thoughts, and I send my heart to you. Please make that call. Thank you.
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October 4th, 2009 at 8:07 am
i’m so so sorry. i’m actually in tears right now. i think everyone said everything already…punch some punching bags, take as long as you need to being angry. support groups can help, really they do. cry, write, talk, pray, anything to get out the anger and grief will help. i will pray for your family and for your own healing.
(((((HUGS)))))
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