Grief Recovery Stages and You
The stages of Grief Recovery are often confused with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ Stages of Death and Dying. This schema evolved as a result of her therapeutic work with terminally ill individuals whose reactions to a Terminal Illness diagnosis she summed up as follows. Terminally ill individuals would go through: 1) Denial; 2) Anger; 3) Bargaining; 4) Depression; and 5) Acceptance. This group of stages has nothing to do with the grief recovery process even though they are mistakenly quoted as such.
After conducting a review of currently available data and looking back over my 25 years of clinical experience I have come up with the following 4 stages as more accurately describing the grief recovery process. This group of distinct phases is based on the experiences of hundreds of individuals and families who were dealing with the loss of a loved one at the time they came to see me. It is my hope that the following summary will clear up a lot of confusion around this issue.
1) Numbness and Shock: - We hear the news about the death of a loved one and our mind goes into shock. The news is too unbelievable, too hard to digest in one sitting. Numbness enters the picture because our mind is still reeling from the news as our body goes into a state of emotional numbness. We try desperately to process this terrible news. Simple tasks now feel overwhelming. Feelings of disorientation and displacement are common. Some have described this as a dreamlike state where you feel disconnected from events and people around you. Funeral arrangements and other issues are accomplished mechanically.
Stage 2 - Disintegration and Disorientation: The initial shock of losing a loved one begins to settle down and we are now faced with the deeper feelings of grief and bereavement. Emotional disintegration, which feels like “falling apart” enters the picture as the reality of the loss hits us hard. Physical reactions such as sleeplessness and loss of appetite are not uncommon and need to be taken up with your family doctor. On the emotional side, feelings of confusion, anxiety, anger and depression may now begin to surface. These deeper reactions are your body and mind’s way of trying to release stress. Grief recovery means working through these reactions over time.
Stage 3) Bereavement and Grief Recovery - Once you are past the shock and have started to come out of disorganization, bereavement and grief recovery can begin in earnest. You can now make full use of your grief recovery resources including books, audio books, healing music and grief counseling. These days, you can be part of an online support group where sharing is the by-word and all persons there are eager and ready to listen and help each other recover. You are not alone, unless you choose to be. And you are not a victim, unless you choose that as well!
Stage 4) Reintegration and Coming back Together - The right kind of help coupled with recommended action steps will benefit your grief recovery enormously. Your approach to dealing with the emotional side of grief has begun to pay off. You are less and less inclined to break down. You can trust yourself to get on with your life and your daily routine. You realize your life has changed. That important person is gone, but not your love for them.
We have reviewed the stages of bereavement and grief recovery against the backdrop of Kubler-Ross’ Stages of Death and Dying and see them to be different. What we experience after losing a valued loved one is not the same as what we would experience if we were given a terminal diagnosis. Entering grief recovery and moving through bereavement are the result of losing an important loved one. This would include separation and divorce. We are talking about losing a parent, child, spouse, life partner, close friend and valued family member. I have experienced all of these losses and know personally that these stages are accurate.
For a successful grief recovery I recommend the following: 1) Acquire a good reading and/or audio book resource that you can access whenever you want and need to, something that will provide support and guidance as you work your way through the necessary grief recovery action steps. 2) Check out any support groups in your area. This will help eliminate the feeling that you are alone and will normalize your recovery experience.
3) If a local group is not an option, consider joining an online Grief Support Network where you can post your story, receive support from others in grief recovery and provide support in return. This provides a sense of community during the grief recovery period and re-emphasizes that you are not alone. 4) And finally, see a therapist if your grief reactions are so overwhelming you feel you can’t function. Follow these steps to grief recovery and your bereavement will be over before you know it.
Maurice Turmel PhD
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