Greiving Children Know What They Need
“Am I still a sister?” asked the young girl that sat before me, her eyes pleading for an answer. “You will always be a sister,” I responded without hesitation. Pleased with my answer, she nestled deeper into her chair. “Then I guess that settles it,” she responded. “I won’t have to worry about that anymore.”
This child, six months into her grief journey, would challenge me to stretch the limits of my knowledge, and question what I thought I knew about children and grief. She would force me to exit my own comfort-zone, in order to join with her on her path of grief. Never mind that I had painstakingly thought through the “best” activities and approaches to help her navigate the raging waters of bereavement. She seemed to have charted her own course. She, and she alone, knew just what it was she needed to process the death of her only sibling, her younger brother. It was a short learning curve for me, thankfully, to see that I was but a witness to her grief…not a conduit for it.
I sat at the ready, week after week, waiting to see what direction our session for the day would take us. And each week, this young girl bravely forged ahead, exploring every nook and cranny of sadness that occupied her mind, heart and soul. At times she would laugh and appear like any other kid, yet her tears betrayed the facade she tried so hard to maintain.
Over time, she trusted me enough to clue me in on her “game plan” for grief. Her rules seemed simple enough…
~Keep smiling
~Act like everything’s okay
~Don’t upset the others around you
~Don’t be one other thing for your parents to worry about
~Keep your tears in check
But, for a 50 minute period, one day a week, she could touch the pain that she worked so hard to avoid the rest of the time. From that hurt stemmed drawings, collages and sculptures…pieces of art that served as tangible reminders of the loss that she had sustained. Abandoning the “rules” for those fleeting moments each week got her out of her head and into her heart…a heart that spoke of the loss of her brother, as well as the loss of a father and mother as she once knew them… a mother and father that were previously untouched by the clutches of sorrow.
She pounded clay, smashed blocks, drew pictures, told me stories and sometimes sat in silence. She made it clear that she would call the shots and I was pleased to let her. She was my teacher and I, her willing student.
What Kids Say About Grief:
The child depicted in the prior scenario portrays the experience of many grieving children. Children will often minimize their grief, so as not to add to the burden of those that grieve around them. It is not unusual for children to say something similar to the following:
“I didn’t want to say anything or mention anything that would make my parents even sadder.”
“I wanted to pretend like everything was fine…that if I acted that way long enough, maybe it would come true.”
“I didn’t want to see my mom cry anymore. She was sad enough. I didn’t want her to worry about my grief, too. I just kept it to myself.”
What Parents Say About Grief:
It is not uncommon for parents to want to also shield their children from their grief.
Parents have said such things as:
“I don’t want my kids to see me crying all of the time.”
“They deserve to have as normal as a childhood as possible.”
“I need to give them a sense of normalcy.”
Here’s what the kids have said in response:
“I wish my mom would cry in front of me. Then I could hug her and tell her I was sad, too!”
“I feel like I’m supposed to be done with the crying already. I never see my mom or dad cry anymore and I think that something must be wrong with me.”
“It’s like everyone else forgot about my sister, but me.”
Helping Your Child Open Up
~ Let your child know that he/she will experience many different feelings when it comes to grief.
Tell your child that he/she may feel sad, mad, relieved, scared, lonely, and lots of other feelings. They may feel more than one feeling at a time. That is okay. Let your child know that grief is confusing even to adults. Keep reminding your child that you are there to talk whenever he or she needs.
~Don’t expect your child to come to you.
Keep opening up the door to conversation with your child. Just because your child says he has nothing to say one day doesn’t mean he won’t another day.
~ If your child is hesitant to open up, ask more specific questions such as:
“What’s been the hardest thing for you since your brother died?”
“What do you miss the most about your dad?”
“What’s one of the silliest things you remember ever doing with your sister?”
“What’s one thing you would want to tell mom if you could?”
“What helps you the most when you are feeling sad?”
“When you feel angry, how can I help you?”
~ Share your feelings with your child.
This will help normalize that grief stays with us for awhile. There is no “appropriate” time frame for grief.
~ Give lots of hugs
This is good for your child and good for you!
Finally, remember what William Shakespeare had to say about grief:
“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart, and bids it break.”
Wendy Young, LMSW, BCD
http://www.articlesbase.com/parenting-articles/greiving-children-know-what-they-need-424597.html
October 7th, 2009 at 11:35 am
How do I help my child get over grandma's death?
I have a 8 yr old daughter that just lost my mom,her grandma in Aug of 06′. She is still not dealing with it well. She cries alot about missing grandma and wont sleep without my moms robe at night. It is definatly fair to say that I am not handling things so great either, and I guess I dont know how to help her when I havent been able to help myself. I have never been through this pain before and I need advice on how to help her out of this, before it ruins her life at such a young age. I try to talk to her, but when I do I cry which just gets her upset more. She is acting out more and last year in school she was real withdrawn. I want to help her before school starts again. I have had her see a concelor, but they said it is normal greiving. I see what they dont. The crying at night, withdrawling herself, and anger fits. Please help. Any advice would be great. But please be serious, my daughter is hurting and I cant seem to help her.
October 7th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
I think the two of you should see a grief counselor together. Your daughter cannot be expected to get over this/deal with this if you yourself are not. She is still using a pacifier (the robe) and that’s not necessarily helpful either. It’s easy to send a child to counseling and have someone say it’s normal grief but, when the two of you are hurting, she’s going to see you as the example and you aren’t leading well.
Please understand, I’m not saying you are a bad mother. I’m just trying to get your eyes a bit more open to understand why she hasn’t managed this yet.
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October 7th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
There are grief recovery programs just for kids. Check your phone book to see if there are any in your area.
Kids cycle through grief differently than adults. They sometimes seem fine one minute and are basket cases the next.
It is often helpful for a child to create a memorial for the lost loved one. This may be a memory box that contains special items, a letter the child writes to the loved one, photographs, etc. Or it may be a growing memorial like a tree. Or it could be a project memorial, like the child raising money for some cause related to the loved one.
Grief is normal and natural, and your daughter needs to know that. If you have a faith tradition, you may look into that to help you out. (In my family, we believe in heaven and and afterlife, and it is great comfort to my son that he can talk to his great-grandmother whenever he wants to and know that she is hearing him…but, of course, not all people believe in this.)
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October 7th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
that’s so sad! I’m sorry! I would have her remember the fun times they had, tell her that grandma is watching over her. Anything positive.
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October 7th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
My mother died when I was 6. I would have loved a counselor to talk to . I got taken care of by hired maids and losers. My dad worked 2 jobs, trying to pay bills, and we were shuffled all over, molested and finally abandoned by everyone but my dad.
I missed my mother, and was ornery and loud, seeking attention and reassurrance. I got whacked, removed from "polite compnay" and shamed.
Take you and your daughter to counselling. It doesn’t mean you are nuts. It means you are sad, and don’t know how to get happy again.
It is normal grieving, and by now both of you should be able to function.
She may be using her pain to "manage" other people. Not a good idea.
Do you talk to your mother? Have you written her a letter? What do you believe about an "afterlilfe?" Do you visit her grave?
These help with grieving and incorporating a loss into your life. It is PART of a complete, well-lived life. NOT the whole thing.
My mother has been dead 50 years, and I still talk to her. (She doesn’t answer.) I think of her as my "guardian Angel" altho, I REALLY don’t imagine she is "out there" somewhere.
I am not "religious."
It helps me feel loved and comforted-something we all need.
Good luck, honey. Give your baby a big hug for me and tell her "gramma Lottie " is thinking of her.
E-mail me, if I can help you.
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life’s knocks.
October 7th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
counselor..
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October 7th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Try explaining to her that her grandma is still there with her, only in her heart. Tell her when she misses her that she can talk to her and that her grandma will be able to hear her but cannot talk back to her. Explain that she will always be around her at all times. Tell her that her grandma wants her to be happy. Talking to her might help her quite a bit. But as you know, it will take time…and a lot of it.
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October 7th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Take your daughter to a counselor who specializes in helping children deal with grief, and make sure that they will allow you to do some joint sessions also, so you can share your concerns with the counselor, and find out what you can do at home that will help your daughter.
You are the mom, and you probably know best. If you think that something is not right with your daughter, follow your gut and find her help. I find it hard to imagine that ANYONE would say that this level of grieving for a grandparent, after almost a full year, is normal.
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